I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
