I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
