Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
