i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
