she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
