Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
