i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
