Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
