i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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