in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
