even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize