The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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