Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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