There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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