Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
