there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
