hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
