Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
