either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
