loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
