she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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