Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
