i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
