I understand why you refuse to be sober now
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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