She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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