my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm sobbing to NWA
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
