Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
