morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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