i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
