I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
