I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
