I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
