why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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