i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
