I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
