He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
