I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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