It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
