I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
