Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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