that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
