mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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