oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
