Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
