not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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