didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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