When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
