all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize