i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
