one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
