I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
