Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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