I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
