FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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