Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
