my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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