o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Your shirt... Was in my pants
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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