My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
