she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
