I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
