my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
