I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I faked an abortion last night.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
