He disabled his match.com account in front of me
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
